“TP Day 3
I’m only doing my TP Day 3 reflections just one day before TP Day 4, because I wanted to have a calmer, clearer mind as I wrote/typed my thoughts down - on TP Day 3 itself, after exiting the room, I had so much negative energy that I needed to let out of my system, a violent desire to re-do my lesson, no matter how impossible that was, to set things right and prove myself to… well, everyone, myself included.
To say that TP Day 3 was a new experience would be a massive understatement. The moment I ran out of time, unable to complete my lesson plan, I knew I had done badly. Nevermind whatever went before, no matter how positive (although admittedly, there were next to zero positive points), I knew I had screwed up as I sat down on my chair and handed the time over to my colleague. It was only come feedback session though, did I then realize how big of a mess I had made out of my lesson.
Even the slightest things which I thought I had done marginally right, turned out to be wrong. The number of lexis I had taught was wrong, the way I had taught them was wrong, the amount of time I used was wrong, the amount of TTT I had was way wrong, the speed of my speech was just wrong as well. In short, it felt like everything that could have gone wrong (bar me falling over a chair and poking myself in the eye, which actually does sound like a better alternative) did go wrong.
I wouldn’t say I’m used to failing, but I’ve failed things before. I’ve failed countless academic tests and exams. The difference is that this isn’t a Chemistry, or Physics or even a Chinese test, this is a test of my English as well as my teaching skills. English, which apart from football, is the subject I daresay I’m most familiar with. Teaching, which I’ve done (with children) for nearly two years. Speaking publicly, which I’ve done for four years in secondary school. These are the factors that make my failure particularly difficult to swallow. Perhaps the hardest thing to do at the moment, is not just learning to speak clearer, less, and slower, but also unlearning, from four years worth of debate training, speaking quickly, more and dominating the stage when presented.
I know this defeat doesn’t signal the end of anything, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t extremely, immensely and bitterly disappointed with myself. Mistakes are meant to be learned from, not repeated, and repeating these mistakes again in TP Day 3 was both stupid, and subconsciously out of my control. I must learn to make it conscious, and I’m trying my best, I’m pulling out all the tricks I know and have learnt from the past, because I must do better.
There are other difficulties as well, such as my age. Being 21 has it’s benefits, but in this particular course with its current personnel and environment, I do feel it’s more of a hindrance than an advantage. There is so much more I have to learn both academically and skills-wise, so much more I have to adapt to in terms of not just being the youngest in the course, but also having such a significant age gap between myself and my colleagues and my students, so much more I must improve on.”
- 17/01/12
(via arabesque)
